Assume you are visiting a home in Kyoto personally around noon. The host would offer a light meal by saying "how about having bubuzuke?"
Bubuzuke is the Kyoto dialect of ochazuke. Ochazuke is steamed rice topped with something (e.g. grilled salmon flakes, salmon roe) and soaked in green tea. It's a light meal. It cannot be a real meal.
The rule is, you have to decline the offer at first. And then the host would offer it again. You have to decline again. Only after the host offers it three times, you can accept it. If the host actually wants the guest to leave, the host doesn't offer three times. But to be polite, the host offers at least once.
Accepting the offer at the first or second time is not expected -- not following the Kyoto home visit protocol.
This is known to many Japanese people if not majority. Shortly after I got married to a Kyoto woman, I asked my wife if it's true.
"Not quite," she said. According to her:
Offering bubuzuke around noon really means "please leave now". How many times the host offers is irrelevant.
If the host really intends to offer lunch, it's prepared by then and they say "please have lunch". The expectation is that at the moment the guest hears the word bubuzuke, they know the time to leave.
After explaining it, she asked "this is a well accepted protocol all over Japan, right?" Not! She was born and raised and living there until she was 30.
5 comments:
I've heard this as a Chinese tradition, applied to any food offered. In college I had a friend from Singapore that would always say no at least twice, so I got in the habit of just asking three times without waiting for an answer.
You want something to drink? You want something to drink? You want something to drink?
No, No, well, ok.
Aha. Singporeans might be more indirect than Kyoto people.
Anyway this story is applied only to that particular situation in Kyoto. I've never heard of other stories of the same nature in Japan.
My Japanese sensei Ms. Konishi in college told us the same thing. She was preparing us in case we plan to do an exchange program in Japan. She said we should always decline the offer the first two times because sometimes maybe the offerer was just being polite. I am not sure if our sensei is from Kyoto or not, but she likes us to speak and know the formal traditions when we go to Japan and not just do things the American way.
I enjoy reading your posts, thank you.
Yes, Chinese seems to have the same tradition. I remember when I was little, I was told by my parents repeatedly that being polite -- not to accept a dinner or lunch invitation at the first offer or second.
After living in US for more than a decade, when I went back to China to visit, I always got so confused by people's real intention. Do they really want to invite me? Or, do they really don't want to come? Anyway, my parents think I have lost my touch.
I like your stories!
None of this makes any sense to me and I follow Japanese culture. Why can't people just be honest with each other instead of playing games? I mean, I don't expect everyone to be robotic, but wouldn't it be easier if you asked someone whether they wanted tea rice and they were like, "Yes, please," or "No, thank you"? I mean, damn, trying to figure out whether someone wants to give you tea rice or wants you to haul ass from their house sounds like such a nightmare. How about "hey, I really enjoyed hanging out with you, but it's getting late and I need to go to bed." What's the big deal? Sincere question.
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