The Nagoya Omiai Protocol

There is the institution of "omiai" in Japan. It's a date arranged by a go-between, typically a middle aged woman. And it's a family matter. Not only a young man and a woman, but also their parents are involved.

An omiai date itself is not so unusual. Except the go-between attends to introduce the man to the woman and vice versa. The go-between leaves after the introduction. Then starts a date of a man and a woman who don't know well each other.

After the date, the man is supposed to see the woman home. Here a social protocol kicks in. In one protocol, the woman's parents are supposed to bring him in and give him tea and cake. If he likes the woman and wants to go forward, he drinks the tea. If he really likes her, he has the cake in addition. If he doesn't like her, he declines the tea, let along the cake. This way of showing the man's willingness is not official. Official communication takes place through the go-between the following day or so.

A friend of mine born and raised and living in Nagoya city for his entire life told me this protocol. Let's call it the Nagoya omiai protocol. Nagoya is a big city having Toyota as its economic backbone and known by its peculiar culture in Japan. I don't know other omiai protocols. But most likely, this is not widely observed in Japan.

When he explained the protocol, he confessed that he came to know the protocol after getting married. He went through several omiai's. He's a kind of person very few women don't like. Especially with women searching for their partner through omiai. In all the cases but last, he declined women he met at omiai's.

Without knowing the local protocol, he always had the tea and the cake he was offered when he saw a woman home. He regretted deeply how insulting he had been to the women and their parents. After showing his fondness to a woman on the day of omiai by having the tea and the cake, he communicated turndown through the go-between.

How Indirect Kyoto People Are

Kyoto people are known to be quite indirect among Japanese people. There is a story showing it.

Assume you are visiting a home in Kyoto personally around noon. The host would offer a light meal by saying "how about having bubuzuke?"

Bubuzuke is the Kyoto dialect of ochazuke. Ochazuke is steamed rice topped with something (e.g. grilled salmon flakes, salmon roe) and soaked in green tea. It's a light meal. It cannot be a real meal.

The rule is, you have to decline the offer at first. And then the host would offer it again. You have to decline again. Only after the host offers it three times, you can accept it. If the host actually wants the guest to leave, the host doesn't offer three times. But to be polite, the host offers at least once.

Accepting the offer at the first or second time is not expected -- not following the Kyoto home visit protocol.

This is known to many Japanese people if not majority. Shortly after I got married to a Kyoto woman, I asked my wife if it's true.

"Not quite," she said. According to her:

Offering bubuzuke around noon really means "please leave now". How many times the host offers is irrelevant.

If the host really intends to offer lunch, it's prepared by then and they say "please have lunch". The expectation is that at the moment the guest hears the word bubuzuke, they know the time to leave.

After explaining it, she asked "this is a well accepted protocol all over Japan, right?" Not! She was born and raised and living there until she was 30.